Still a whale...

I fucking hate myself.
I'm so fat I can't believe it.

The only good thing that's happened was that I had 2 yoghurts and some low cal noodles at like 120cals, so I stayed under 500cals.
In the late evening I had the most SEVERE craving for a Domino's Pizza. Craig and I had offers "Buy a medium pizza and a starter, and get a medium pizza free" - I needed that pizza so much, needed the taste of the vegetables, cheese and bread in my mouth with the sweet dipping sauce.. *needed* to feel the completeness when I ate it.
...But then I began to imagine my after-feelings. Feelings of utter disgust, feeling of depression and hatred for my mind and body. A glare in the mirror, looking at some ugly, fat, rodent who was staring back with rolls of fat all around her body. Yellow pastey fat running underneath my skin, sticking to my bones, holding me back from true happiness and lightness.
I put the menu away.
I'm not weighing myself til AT LEAST next week because I just depress myself a little more each time I remember I'm not under 110lbs.

Before I finish, I have started reading a book on Buddhism, and how the original Buddha found his enlightenment. It talks about how he realised cravings were just fantasties of our material-based minds and he only gained true freedom by acknowledging that such things can be let go, allowing us to gain from the satisfaction of knowing we don't rely on impulses.
I think of it everytime I want to eat stupid things. I'm gonna train myself to start thinking about it everytime I want to eat full stop.

Speak soon,

Yours, Fat Girl.

x

Reminiscent

Sometimes it's good to think back on the times you were thinner and remember how you got there, how good you felt, etc... It can be better thinsporation than any picture!

In my case, it was a little easier to remember... I just read back to my blog posts from last year!
I was so much stronger. I ate hardly anything and still considered it to be over my limit.. I was able to lose weight quite easily.

What's happened to me now? I don't know.
I think I'm gonna take a flick back everytime I feel weak and remind myself that if I done it before I can do it again!
xx

GW1 Day!

Eeek!

I'm really nervous today because it's my GW1 day! I need to be 112lbs.. I've been well below 112lbs before, but I feel extra worried this time because I've let all the girls on PAM know about my weight progress.. if I don't weigh in at 112lbs I'll have let them all down!

Also last night I had a slip-up & ate bread and chocolate.. boo! I hope that hasn't fucked up my GW.
Instead, I'm taking my diet pills & sticking to water today. If I finish my Uni work early enough in the evening I'll go to the gym too...
Tomorrow starts GW2 where I need to be 108lbs by next Thursday! There's absolutely NO room for bingeing!

Wish me luck!
xoxox

Mind reprogram...

Em-il-y says:
lets re-program our minds here
Em-il-y says:
with what exists and what doesn't
Ema says:
ok
Em-il-y says:
right
Ema says:
BREAD AND CHOCOLATE can't exist
Em-il-y says:
i haven't even heard of them, i've got no idea what you're talkinga bout..!
Em-il-y says:
(get it.. )
Ema says:
hahahaha!!
Em-il-y says:
binging?? what the heck? is that jibberish?
Ema says:
so good! lol
Em-il-y says:
(seriously try it, it works really well)
Ema says:
My scales never go up... i always see a lower number!
Em-il-y says:
i didn't even know those numbers could go up...!!
Ema says:
my bones get more prominent every day!
Em-il-y says:
yeah! it's like how the sun rises every day!
Ema says:
these are totally going in my journal and in my purse so that everytime i feel weak (what's weakness?!) i can read them
Em-il-y says:
what's there to be weak about? this is just normal life here...
Ema says:
In a world where we're always the thinnest, we're so strong!
Em-il-y says:
how good is it!!! it's the best being so strong
Em-il-y says:
and the fact we don't have to push ourselves to stick to a diet plan... cos it's just second nature !
Ema says:
and everyone wants to be us. they admire how our bodies are like art! so light and delicate
Em-il-y says:
success is brillant
Ema says:
definitely, cause I mean.. look at what we used to weigh and look at us now. we're obviously doing something right.. why should we stop now! we're an example to others.
Em-il-y says:
exactly! and we have to uphold that!
Em-il-y says:
and really, that's no problem at all
Ema says:
exactly. it's what we do best.
Em-il-y says:

Em-il-y says:
so really, it'll be simple as for you to lose 16lbs before the start of next month
Ema says:
indeed. others have done it, and it's an easy test of my strength. just like you, you've came so far.. it's a complete doddle for you!
Em-il-y says:
exactly
Em-il-y says:
i mean, we know all there is to know about this kind of stuff
Ema says:
we're adept in this field. pro's.

Arg!

Arg.. After the weekend I gained (Craig and I went for Tapas).
I had a bad spot this morning and binged on like 5 doughnuts. Idiot@me.
Craig made me eat a tuna sandwich for dinner.
gaingaingain.
I'm already a fat fuck. I can't handle anymore weight gain!

A new start.. again

Thankfully I've overcome my binge cycle. I hate those!
But unfortunately I gained sooo much weight. I ballooned up to 117lbs, which is the highest I've been in ages! I cried so much, but strangely it had an effect on me that made me so determined not to stop until I get to my UGW this time.

I joined a few girls on PAM to swear that I'll lose as much weight as possible by April 4th! I'm aiming for 100lbs, but I don't know how successful I'll be...

I'll keep up to date!

ps. lost 2.6lbs since yesterday so I'm now 115.2lbs
x

dfjdfhdfkhg

Doing shit.
Can't stop bingeing.
That's all.

Annoyed!

I had nothing but an apple yesterday, then made the stupid mistake of agreeing to go to a coffee house/restaurant place with Craig after I finished work.
I had one coffee, and stayed strong (i.e didn't eat anything) even though he had dinner there! But it did highlight to him the fact that I hadn't ate.. He made me eat dinner, then sit in the living room and watch a movie with him after so I couldn't purge.
I'm so irritated. I bet I'm up at 112lbs now.. And worst of all, tonight is my best friend's 22nd birthday & we're going to a Tapas restaurant.. a meal I most certainly can't get out of!

I'm off to the gym now to work my ass for for 2 hours.

xox

On my way!

So the night after my previous post (Actually it might have been the night of) I weighed myself in a 118lbs.. Can you fucking believe it?!?!?!!!
Okay, so I was on my period and I understand that some was period weight; but 118lbs?!?!?!!!! I went in a shower and cried for about 2 hours; looked like a Prune when I got out! haha.

After that, it surely kicked my uber fat ass into shape. I've been restricting to under 300cals per day, sometimes under 200cals. I went to the gym for an hour & a half yesterday, and two hours today.
Being back at Uni also helps because I'm constantly on the go & never take money with me to buy food.
Back to my point; after my blubber-kick I'm back down to 111lbs in just 5 days, so most of it was probably period weight. Never the less, I've started to mentally hypnotise myself into thinking that anything above 100lbs is morbidly obese rather than my previous 'slacker' way of thinking;
"100lbs is a beautiful weight. I'd love to get there soon.."

I'll report back soon on my progress...

Ps. Hurray to Paper Bag & her crocheting! :)


xox

Placebo

Fuckety fuck fuck.. How come when you're doing good on restricting, the "ill/can't breathe" placebo takes over your mind and convinces you to eat something or you'll die? Like I'd really die from skipping one meal. I'm such a fucking idiot.

Yesterday was going great; I had some raspberries & a banana for breakfast, diet pills and water all day... then at dinner time in the house I ate two small bread rolls but then purged them back up. I went to bed early cause I was feeling so tired but couldn't sleep cause I felt like I couldn't breathe properly. After lying there for an hour I got worried then got up and ended up eating 2 slices of bread with banana, and a slice of toast.

I don't even deserve to lose weight...

Head start.

Wake up.
DIET PILL & WATAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
Blink.
DIET PILL & WATAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Gotta love those silverslimmings...

Also backtracked on the PAM forum for interesting posts discussed while i was "recovering"...
Tomorrow when I get paid I'm gonna try Sudafed 24-hour as it apparently is a fabulous appetite supressant.
Plus, who cares if I get addicted.. I'm already a fan of class-A's.
x

Almost Lost..

Right..
I thought it was time I wrote a small post to let everyone know that I haven't disappeared again, but I haven't been doing well.
My scales have been taken away from me for a while now, so I have no idea what I weigh and I've been going out of my mind!
I've deffo gained weight, but I don't know how much..
Blah, it's so shit.

I'll be back soon. x

Hard weather

Gawd.. I can't stop sneezing and my head feels blocked. I had a great lie in, though... don't start work til 2pm today.
Yesterday the funeral was okay... Actually, the service was lovely. There were tears, but there were also laughs. Iain's Wake was in the Hilton Hotel in the West End of Glasgow and it was probably one of the best Wakes that I've been to.
After that, I had to begin my long journey home as the trains were being cancelled left right and centre. I managed to only have to change over trains once but as soon as I got off the train in my home town there was hail, rain, and wind like a hurricaine - Horrible! Needless to say that's why I'm sneezing.

Blah.
I'm starting a new little project; crocheting a blanket, for many reasons:
1. It will keep me occupied and hypnotised in times where I'm most prone to bingeing.
2. It's a blanket and will keep me warm!
3. It'll look pretty.

*Before I go, I'm noting that on the right hand side info panel I've began to update my weight more... I'm also going to put in a section to have my BMI on show because, as we all know, weight means nothing unless you take your height into account. (NB: I'm 5'5")

cw: unknown yet

Hm.

Well I reached my 111lbs goal, so I'm happy about that. What I'm not so happy about is my friends funeral tomorrow.. I can't believe he's gone. And in the most random, unpredictable way (he fell over his flat balcony and was found in the courtyard in the morning).. How can that happen? Things like that don't happen to your friends.. they just don't.
Anyway, I'm getting too upset; I don't have the energy for it.

Back to weight talk..
I wrote myself an eating plan for this week, I have it stuck to my fridge.. I even showed Craig it and he's fine with it which, needless to say, is surprising because each day totals me to be eating under 300 calories, some days even under 150 calories.
I told him the dietician said that my main concern is eating at proper times during the day and THEN concentraing on increasing the amount i eat.

He believed it.

For all those girls who are restricting under 300 calories per day and just doing it in their heads I recommend writing an eating plan; if you stick to it ridgedly (and i mean like the bible! NB: i'm not religious) then the risk of bingeing is zero-to-none and you don't feel hungry because you're eating 3 times a day!
I'll post my eating plan up here for everyone who might like to give it a try... Pls email me if you have any feedback or suggestions to vary the foods!
xx

Balloon

FUCK.. In the strongest emphasis.
To say the least, over Christmas the shit hit the fan.
I was doing great leading up to the dietician appointment.. she talked for hours about how bad ana was for me, etc etc.. blah blah.
It just made me more inclined to reach 100lbs or less for our next meeting.
Then my friend... my very dear friend, Iain, died.
I've ate.. and ate... and I weighed myself this morning; I'm 114lbs.
F. U. C. K.
I'm gonna be 111lbs by Monday.
Just watch...

Almost Christmas...

Here I am, reporting for duty 21 days after my prev. post.
I'm glad to say I've lost weight again, although it has proven very difficult to break 'recovery' eating patterns and i've been prone to MANY binges!
I'm working on that...
My Previous weight was 116lbs, and my CW is 110lbs as checked this morning... which is pretty pathetic for a whole 21 days. At one point i dipped down to 109 then had a major binge fest and went back to 112!!!
I must say tho, I've been gradually learning again how to just walk away.

2 new ana text buds are on the scene; Emma who is quite quiet, she's 120lbs.. and Marie who is my ultimate supporting rock at 102lbs.. It's so amazing for when you wanna binge and need some encouragement against it.

I've got my apointment with the Dietician on Wednesday, booo... My GW for then is 107lbs, which makes my BMI 17.8, mwahaha... I hope i achieve it.

Fab new thinspo ana site: http://www.xanga.com/ana_directory
x

Disgusting

Well I disappeared for a while due to a new flat and no internet.
I thought having a bigger flat would make it easier to hide my ana from Craig but it's not.
Instead I went through a "recovery" period, and only today have I decided I've had enough.
I now weigh 8st 4lbs... 116lbs.. The heaviest I've been in a long time. It's revolting, and frankly I can hardly even bare to wake up.
I've had enough. Fuck therapy, fuck the dietician, fuck eating.
I've started my diet pills again, got out my weight book, and swore that I'm gonna at least be 7st 5lbs by Christmas.
I need to get back in touch with my ana girls and get a grip!!!
xox

A while..

Hmm.. been a week since I've posted and everything seems to have went literally tits up.
My fabulous progress of restricting had a turn for the worse when my mind went wacko and I felt like I was on 13 grams of speed a day, I couldn't think straight or properly understand what people were saying, couldn't sleep yet was constantly shattered, and always light-headed..boo.
I was eventually forced to get my eating regime back on track only to feel like the fattest mofo on the planet. Last time I checked I put ALL my weight back on.
Fucking raging.
I'm back on my diet pills again, they seem to have been having a strange effect on me - making me more light headed yet I seem to be eating more. I'm a loser. I'll get it sorted and report back in a few days time.
Love love
xx

Early Rising

Blah, I woke up at 6.30am from an awful dream that I don't really want to discuss. In fact the sooner my mind deletes it, the better.
So here I am. It's now 7.35am - I've passed the time by browsing general pro-ed sites & checking up on the forums. Not much is happening, although I did get supportive comments from the girls when I showed them my before & after pictures - so thanks!
I also posted a thread on Kate Moss and her new term 'Rexy' (I'll post the same one here).
Too scared to weigh myself. Craig made me eat a sandwich last night.. boo.
I'm gonna go watch TV/do sit-ups until a more healthier hour!

cw: Dunno!!!

Kate Moss and her London clique have coined a new phrase to compliment their thin figures. According to reports, the supermodel and her best mate Sadie Frost are calling each other ‘rexy’ when discussing their figures. "Rexy is a word Kate and her friends have made up. It is a hybrid of the words anorexic and sexy." The source told the Mail:"It is used by Kate, Sadie Frost and other members of the A-list crowd to make a statement to each other that they are looking good." "It is not an insult it is a compliment."

Disgusting

Disgusting is what I am. Disgusting, weak, and fucking pathetic.
After 3 days of hard work I blow it all by eating 1,000 calories yesterday.
It doesn't matter what I ate now, that's not the point. It matters that I ate 1,000 calories.Anyway, I won't dwell on it because I've decided that to make up for my idiocy, I will eat 0 calories for the next two days followed with visits to the gym as well as home work-outs. Speaking of which, I booked my induction lesson at the woman's gym for wednesday morning... The girl told me all about it, it's a 30 minute hard core circut training where you go on one machine for 30 seconds & work it as hard and fast as you can, then the beep goes and you go onto the next machine for 30 seconds as hard and fast as you can, etc etc... I can't wait. I'm going to ask if each person is only allowed admittance 1 time a day or if you can go as many times as you like, that way (seen as it's only a 2min walk from my flat) I could go every morning then work-out at home and then go again in the evening then work-out at home. Also, there's the other complex gym that does ab-blast & combat classes which I might join.
Time to get fit, I'm serious about it.
Post later xx

weight yesterday: 108
cw: 109