Tuesday, 15 April 2008
Reminiscent
In my case, it was a little easier to remember... I just read back to my blog posts from last year!
I was so much stronger. I ate hardly anything and still considered it to be over my limit.. I was able to lose weight quite easily.
What's happened to me now? I don't know.
I think I'm gonna take a flick back everytime I feel weak and remind myself that if I done it before I can do it again!
xx
Wednesday, 30 January 2008
Head start.
DIET PILL & WATAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
Blink.
DIET PILL & WATAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
Gotta love those silverslimmings...
Also backtracked on the PAM forum for interesting posts discussed while i was "recovering"...
Tomorrow when I get paid I'm gonna try Sudafed 24-hour as it apparently is a fabulous appetite supressant.
Plus, who cares if I get addicted.. I'm already a fan of class-A's.
x
Monday, 28 January 2008
Intimidation?
All my pals are gay guys, and I'm the only main female AKA "The alpha female" in the group.
There's also 'inside' jokes about my lack of weight/bulimia/anorexia, etc.. They call me "Thumbulimia" because I'm so small and obv make myself sick when I need to to lose weight.
Anyway, that's fine. That's the jokes. I don't mind them.. it's what we do!
So lately this new girl, Cheryl, has came on the scene and started to hang out with us.. She lives closer to the gays than I do, so she naturally sees them more often/parties with them more often.
I feel soooo intimidated, jealous, and almost scared in a way because the boys have started to comment on nights when they're out partying and how fabulous Cheryl looks and how much weight she's lost!
I'll note that I've met Cheryl and she's absolutely lovely, pretty too. She's probably about a UK 12, but since she's started losing weight she's probably nearer a UK 10. I'm still in a safe zone because I'm a UK 6 but I don't look it.. and I've gained sooo much carb weight.
My body has become addicted to the carbs & I'm finding it so hard to restrict right now... especially the fact that Craig & I have had literally NO food in the house apart from bread because we're so poor! (i get paid on thurs, don't worry.. haha).
Back to the subject... okay, we recreationally take drugs. Yeh yeh 'lecture lecture'... whatever. So Cheryl is on a speed diet which is the reason why she's losing so much weight.. there's no plans of her stopping this diet in the near future. This means that her weight will plummet and she'll become skinny & i'll look like the fat one.
If there was ever a reason to lose weight more than this, please let me know. I can't be the fattest in the pictures.. I can't be the fat girl everyone feels sympathy for.
No.... :(
Wednesday, 9 January 2008
Hard weather
Yesterday the funeral was okay... Actually, the service was lovely. There were tears, but there were also laughs. Iain's Wake was in the Hilton Hotel in the West End of Glasgow and it was probably one of the best Wakes that I've been to.
After that, I had to begin my long journey home as the trains were being cancelled left right and centre. I managed to only have to change over trains once but as soon as I got off the train in my home town there was hail, rain, and wind like a hurricaine - Horrible! Needless to say that's why I'm sneezing.
Blah.
I'm starting a new little project; crocheting a blanket, for many reasons:
1. It will keep me occupied and hypnotised in times where I'm most prone to bingeing.
2. It's a blanket and will keep me warm!
3. It'll look pretty.
*Before I go, I'm noting that on the right hand side info panel I've began to update my weight more... I'm also going to put in a section to have my BMI on show because, as we all know, weight means nothing unless you take your height into account. (NB: I'm 5'5")
cw: unknown yet
Monday, 7 January 2008
Hm.
Anyway, I'm getting too upset; I don't have the energy for it.
Back to weight talk..
I wrote myself an eating plan for this week, I have it stuck to my fridge.. I even showed Craig it and he's fine with it which, needless to say, is surprising because each day totals me to be eating under 300 calories, some days even under 150 calories.
I told him the dietician said that my main concern is eating at proper times during the day and THEN concentraing on increasing the amount i eat.
He believed it.
For all those girls who are restricting under 300 calories per day and just doing it in their heads I recommend writing an eating plan; if you stick to it ridgedly (and i mean like the bible! NB: i'm not religious) then the risk of bingeing is zero-to-none and you don't feel hungry because you're eating 3 times a day!
I'll post my eating plan up here for everyone who might like to give it a try... Pls email me if you have any feedback or suggestions to vary the foods!
xx
Thursday, 3 January 2008
Balloon
To say the least, over Christmas the shit hit the fan.
I was doing great leading up to the dietician appointment.. she talked for hours about how bad ana was for me, etc etc.. blah blah.
It just made me more inclined to reach 100lbs or less for our next meeting.
Then my friend... my very dear friend, Iain, died.
I've ate.. and ate... and I weighed myself this morning; I'm 114lbs.
F. U. C. K.
I'm gonna be 111lbs by Monday.
Just watch...
Thursday, 13 December 2007
Almost Christmas...
I'm glad to say I've lost weight again, although it has proven very difficult to break 'recovery' eating patterns and i've been prone to MANY binges!
I'm working on that...
My Previous weight was 116lbs, and my CW is 110lbs as checked this morning... which is pretty pathetic for a whole 21 days. At one point i dipped down to 109 then had a major binge fest and went back to 112!!!
I must say tho, I've been gradually learning again how to just walk away.
2 new ana text buds are on the scene; Emma who is quite quiet, she's 120lbs.. and Marie who is my ultimate supporting rock at 102lbs.. It's so amazing for when you wanna binge and need some encouragement against it.
I've got my apointment with the Dietician on Wednesday, booo... My GW for then is 107lbs, which makes my BMI 17.8, mwahaha... I hope i achieve it.
Fab new thinspo ana site: http://www.xanga.com/ana_directory
x
Monday, 6 August 2007
A while..
My fabulous progress of restricting had a turn for the worse when my mind went wacko and I felt like I was on 13 grams of speed a day, I couldn't think straight or properly understand what people were saying, couldn't sleep yet was constantly shattered, and always light-headed..boo.
I was eventually forced to get my eating regime back on track only to feel like the fattest mofo on the planet. Last time I checked I put ALL my weight back on.
Fucking raging.
I'm back on my diet pills again, they seem to have been having a strange effect on me - making me more light headed yet I seem to be eating more. I'm a loser. I'll get it sorted and report back in a few days time.
Love love
xx
Monday, 30 July 2007
Early Rising
So here I am. It's now 7.35am - I've passed the time by browsing general pro-ed sites & checking up on the forums. Not much is happening, although I did get supportive comments from the girls when I showed them my before & after pictures - so thanks!
I also posted a thread on Kate Moss and her new term 'Rexy' (I'll post the same one here).
Too scared to weigh myself. Craig made me eat a sandwich last night.. boo.
I'm gonna go watch TV/do sit-ups until a more healthier hour!
cw: Dunno!!!
Kate Moss and her London clique have coined a new phrase to compliment their thin figures. According to reports, the supermodel and her best mate Sadie Frost are calling each other ‘rexy’ when discussing their figures. "Rexy is a word Kate and her friends have made up. It is a hybrid of the words anorexic and sexy." The source told the Mail:"It is used by Kate, Sadie Frost and other members of the A-list crowd to make a statement to each other that they are looking good." "It is not an insult it is a compliment."
Disgusting
After 3 days of hard work I blow it all by eating 1,000 calories yesterday.
It doesn't matter what I ate now, that's not the point. It matters that I ate 1,000 calories.
Time to get fit, I'm serious about it.
Post later xx
weight yesterday: 108
cw: 109
Saturday, 28 July 2007
First free day!
Pity that I'm working in the Bar tonight from 7pm onwards but oh well, it means I can spend all night running around and not have time to eat.
Yesterday I had nothing until 5pm where I ate a small bowl of veg, then at 10pm I had 1 wheetabix square with a bit of yoghurt on top, however it made me feel waaaay too full up and I felt like spewing.
I'm gonna go to Curves today and ask to join..
Shall update more later!
cw: 109lbs
xxFriday, 27 July 2007
"Thin"
The diet pills are still going amazing. I could have easily ate nothing today but I thought it better to at least put some vitamin content into my body (so it doesn't shut down and store all my fat!) so I had a small bowl of veg (green beans, sweetcorn, cauliflower, brocolli). Apart from that I've just been drinking lots of water all day.
Craig's working til 10pm so I've spoken to all my ana girls & visited my usual ana haunts, showered & moisturised... When he gets home we'll probably just watch a DVD, etc.
Not working tomorrow until 7pm so I might make a visit to this local womans-only gym & book an introductary lesson - I know the manager & she gave me a months free pass, how amazing! As soon as I cash my month free voucher I'm gonna go like.. everyday!
cw: 110lbs
xxThursday, 26 July 2007
SLIMSLIM
Oh well.
I've taken my first 2 capsules already, I'm nervous but strangely have no impulse to snack or binge or whatever (which I ALWAYS want to do). It may be just a placebo for my mind but I don't care.
Right now I feel like they truly work.
I'm gonna cut down my calories and start going to the gym now.. Roll on Size 00! xoxox
CW: 111lbs
Thin girls, you are beautiful...
Today I've had a small bowl of special K and skimmed milk, and a cup of coffee.
NO MORE!
I'm waiting on Craig coming out the shower then we're gonna go into town and price a vacation to France for next year.. YAY!
Feeling quite okay today, I'm desperate for my new diet pills to arrive.. went to check on them but they're still in transit. Thankfully the diet pill company replied to my email and told me that I could also buy them in "Sally's beauty" stores - there's one in town! I'm gonna go in when I'm on my own and see if I can buy a week course until my 4 week course arrives.
Eek, he's out the shower.. better go. I'll update later with weight, etc. xx
Tuesday, 24 July 2007
Psycho Appointment...
Not only did he laugh at things I said;
"What do you consider a binge?"
"2 Biscuits now a days..."
"HaAHaHaHa!!!"
He made me feel like I was a liar sometimes! I confessed everything, I told him everything and he made me feel as if I was lying for attention or something.
I didn't even want to go to him in the first place. I think that it took me a lot of courage to tell him everything in complete honesty. The last thing ana girls need is someone to laugh at them or smirk at their comments.
At he end he said "So do you have an illness?"I said "No." He replied, "Then why are you even here?".. I was like "Because my boyfriend asked me to come.." and he laughed again.
Moron.
To any ana girls reading this, do yourself a favour.. If you're gonna go into recovery make sure you've got a female psychiatrist!
Silver Slimming
Speaking of, today is our 3rd anniversary.. woo. Nevermind, he's working and we also had a huge argument yesterday about how lazy he is. Hopefully things will be alright later on today though.
During the weekend I went to Glasgow to visit my friend, Kris. (his dad died, etc..) I ate SHIT LOADS;
Sunday
Mango Smoothie
Salt & Vinegar crisps (and I NEVER eat crisps)
Pasta
Chocolate trifle (LOADS)
Chips
3 pieces of Garlic bread
What the FUCK was that all about?!
So Monday;
2 Pieces of toast
Pasta
2 pieces of chesse on toast
I'd say the only good thing about this weekend was finding a FAB source of information.. My friend, Ainsley, had gained quite a lot of weight over the past few years and was looking for diet pills to help her lose most of it before her holiday... Ainsley had asked me a few months ago if I thought my Hoodia Gordonii pills were worth the purchase.. I told her they were crap! So when I spoke to her on Sunday she was like 'No worries! I got these new diet pills and I've actually lost 10lbs in just over a week!"
SILVER SLIMMING
I'm so happy! I'm going to go to the little shop next door and ask if I can have a package delivered to her store for me. That was I don't have to worry about Craig being in the flat when the package comes & then quizzing me on what it is!
I hope she lets me.. This is gonna help me get to 98lbs asap!!!
Wednesday, 18 July 2007
The beginning...
Something about her blog appealed to me and made me remember how such blogs can be used to talk about worries, events, and associate with other beautiful girls sharing my obsession.
Weight.
I'm anamia... ana most of the time until those disgusting and frightning black-out binges attack me and leave me feeling like the most awful piece of worthless dirt in the world.
I'm 20 years old. I live with my 3 year partner, Craig. I love him so much. He knows.
I'm in my final degree year at University.
I'm 5'5" and weigh 110lbls.
My SGU (short term goal weight) is 105lbls
My LGW (longterm) is 98lbs
My UGW (ultimate) is 95lbs.
I think I've been anamia for 2-3 years now.. I used to be a UK size 12-14 (US 8-10) and am now a UK size 6 (US size 2).
Next Tuesday I've got an appointment with a psychiatrist about my eating disorder(s).
I don't want to go but I promised my boyfriend I would for at least one session, then decide wether it'll help me, although to be perfectly honest I'm not ready for recovery and I don't WANT to recover yet.
Not until I'm as light as air.
To the girls who may read this, let me know you exist and we'll get through it together.
xxx