Still a whale...

I fucking hate myself.
I'm so fat I can't believe it.

The only good thing that's happened was that I had 2 yoghurts and some low cal noodles at like 120cals, so I stayed under 500cals.
In the late evening I had the most SEVERE craving for a Domino's Pizza. Craig and I had offers "Buy a medium pizza and a starter, and get a medium pizza free" - I needed that pizza so much, needed the taste of the vegetables, cheese and bread in my mouth with the sweet dipping sauce.. *needed* to feel the completeness when I ate it.
...But then I began to imagine my after-feelings. Feelings of utter disgust, feeling of depression and hatred for my mind and body. A glare in the mirror, looking at some ugly, fat, rodent who was staring back with rolls of fat all around her body. Yellow pastey fat running underneath my skin, sticking to my bones, holding me back from true happiness and lightness.
I put the menu away.
I'm not weighing myself til AT LEAST next week because I just depress myself a little more each time I remember I'm not under 110lbs.

Before I finish, I have started reading a book on Buddhism, and how the original Buddha found his enlightenment. It talks about how he realised cravings were just fantasties of our material-based minds and he only gained true freedom by acknowledging that such things can be let go, allowing us to gain from the satisfaction of knowing we don't rely on impulses.
I think of it everytime I want to eat stupid things. I'm gonna train myself to start thinking about it everytime I want to eat full stop.

Speak soon,

Yours, Fat Girl.

x

GW1 Day!

Eeek!

I'm really nervous today because it's my GW1 day! I need to be 112lbs.. I've been well below 112lbs before, but I feel extra worried this time because I've let all the girls on PAM know about my weight progress.. if I don't weigh in at 112lbs I'll have let them all down!

Also last night I had a slip-up & ate bread and chocolate.. boo! I hope that hasn't fucked up my GW.
Instead, I'm taking my diet pills & sticking to water today. If I finish my Uni work early enough in the evening I'll go to the gym too...
Tomorrow starts GW2 where I need to be 108lbs by next Thursday! There's absolutely NO room for bingeing!

Wish me luck!
xoxox

Just a quickie!

Just thought I'd type a quick wee post while Craig's DJ'ing in his Music Studio and I'm alone with the laptop!

Today I've been feeling so strong about restricting. I had a bit of toast this morning, only cos Craig made me it.. then for dinner I had a 50cal weight watchers yoghurt, and while Craig was in his studio I made soup, put it in a bowl, and poured it down the sink, leaving the bowl and pot unwashed so he thinks I ate.. I also threw out a couple of pieces of bread for extra effect too!

I hope I lose at least 1lb by tomorrow!

x

A new start.. again

Thankfully I've overcome my binge cycle. I hate those!
But unfortunately I gained sooo much weight. I ballooned up to 117lbs, which is the highest I've been in ages! I cried so much, but strangely it had an effect on me that made me so determined not to stop until I get to my UGW this time.

I joined a few girls on PAM to swear that I'll lose as much weight as possible by April 4th! I'm aiming for 100lbs, but I don't know how successful I'll be...

I'll keep up to date!

ps. lost 2.6lbs since yesterday so I'm now 115.2lbs
x

dfjdfhdfkhg

Doing shit.
Can't stop bingeing.
That's all.

Annoyed!

I had nothing but an apple yesterday, then made the stupid mistake of agreeing to go to a coffee house/restaurant place with Craig after I finished work.
I had one coffee, and stayed strong (i.e didn't eat anything) even though he had dinner there! But it did highlight to him the fact that I hadn't ate.. He made me eat dinner, then sit in the living room and watch a movie with him after so I couldn't purge.
I'm so irritated. I bet I'm up at 112lbs now.. And worst of all, tonight is my best friend's 22nd birthday & we're going to a Tapas restaurant.. a meal I most certainly can't get out of!

I'm off to the gym now to work my ass for for 2 hours.

xox

Head start.

Wake up.
DIET PILL & WATAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
Blink.
DIET PILL & WATAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Gotta love those silverslimmings...

Also backtracked on the PAM forum for interesting posts discussed while i was "recovering"...
Tomorrow when I get paid I'm gonna try Sudafed 24-hour as it apparently is a fabulous appetite supressant.
Plus, who cares if I get addicted.. I'm already a fan of class-A's.
x

Intimidation?

Does anyone else get really fucked off when your friends start to comment on how much another friend has lost weight?
All my pals are gay guys, and I'm the only main female AKA "The alpha female" in the group.
There's also 'inside' jokes about my lack of weight/bulimia/anorexia, etc.. They call me "Thumbulimia" because I'm so small and obv make myself sick when I need to to lose weight.
Anyway, that's fine. That's the jokes. I don't mind them.. it's what we do!

So lately this new girl, Cheryl, has came on the scene and started to hang out with us.. She lives closer to the gays than I do, so she naturally sees them more often/parties with them more often.
I feel soooo intimidated, jealous, and almost scared in a way because the boys have started to comment on nights when they're out partying and how fabulous Cheryl looks and how much weight she's lost!

I'll note that I've met Cheryl and she's absolutely lovely, pretty too. She's probably about a UK 12, but since she's started losing weight she's probably nearer a UK 10. I'm still in a safe zone because I'm a UK 6 but I don't look it.. and I've gained sooo much carb weight.
My body has become addicted to the carbs & I'm finding it so hard to restrict right now... especially the fact that Craig & I have had literally NO food in the house apart from bread because we're so poor! (i get paid on thurs, don't worry.. haha).

Back to the subject... okay, we recreationally take drugs. Yeh yeh 'lecture lecture'... whatever. So Cheryl is on a speed diet which is the reason why she's losing so much weight.. there's no plans of her stopping this diet in the near future. This means that her weight will plummet and she'll become skinny & i'll look like the fat one.

If there was ever a reason to lose weight more than this, please let me know. I can't be the fattest in the pictures.. I can't be the fat girl everyone feels sympathy for.

No.... :(

Hard weather

Gawd.. I can't stop sneezing and my head feels blocked. I had a great lie in, though... don't start work til 2pm today.
Yesterday the funeral was okay... Actually, the service was lovely. There were tears, but there were also laughs. Iain's Wake was in the Hilton Hotel in the West End of Glasgow and it was probably one of the best Wakes that I've been to.
After that, I had to begin my long journey home as the trains were being cancelled left right and centre. I managed to only have to change over trains once but as soon as I got off the train in my home town there was hail, rain, and wind like a hurricaine - Horrible! Needless to say that's why I'm sneezing.

Blah.
I'm starting a new little project; crocheting a blanket, for many reasons:
1. It will keep me occupied and hypnotised in times where I'm most prone to bingeing.
2. It's a blanket and will keep me warm!
3. It'll look pretty.

*Before I go, I'm noting that on the right hand side info panel I've began to update my weight more... I'm also going to put in a section to have my BMI on show because, as we all know, weight means nothing unless you take your height into account. (NB: I'm 5'5")

cw: unknown yet

Hm.

Well I reached my 111lbs goal, so I'm happy about that. What I'm not so happy about is my friends funeral tomorrow.. I can't believe he's gone. And in the most random, unpredictable way (he fell over his flat balcony and was found in the courtyard in the morning).. How can that happen? Things like that don't happen to your friends.. they just don't.
Anyway, I'm getting too upset; I don't have the energy for it.

Back to weight talk..
I wrote myself an eating plan for this week, I have it stuck to my fridge.. I even showed Craig it and he's fine with it which, needless to say, is surprising because each day totals me to be eating under 300 calories, some days even under 150 calories.
I told him the dietician said that my main concern is eating at proper times during the day and THEN concentraing on increasing the amount i eat.

He believed it.

For all those girls who are restricting under 300 calories per day and just doing it in their heads I recommend writing an eating plan; if you stick to it ridgedly (and i mean like the bible! NB: i'm not religious) then the risk of bingeing is zero-to-none and you don't feel hungry because you're eating 3 times a day!
I'll post my eating plan up here for everyone who might like to give it a try... Pls email me if you have any feedback or suggestions to vary the foods!
xx

Balloon

FUCK.. In the strongest emphasis.
To say the least, over Christmas the shit hit the fan.
I was doing great leading up to the dietician appointment.. she talked for hours about how bad ana was for me, etc etc.. blah blah.
It just made me more inclined to reach 100lbs or less for our next meeting.
Then my friend... my very dear friend, Iain, died.
I've ate.. and ate... and I weighed myself this morning; I'm 114lbs.
F. U. C. K.
I'm gonna be 111lbs by Monday.
Just watch...

A while..

Hmm.. been a week since I've posted and everything seems to have went literally tits up.
My fabulous progress of restricting had a turn for the worse when my mind went wacko and I felt like I was on 13 grams of speed a day, I couldn't think straight or properly understand what people were saying, couldn't sleep yet was constantly shattered, and always light-headed..boo.
I was eventually forced to get my eating regime back on track only to feel like the fattest mofo on the planet. Last time I checked I put ALL my weight back on.
Fucking raging.
I'm back on my diet pills again, they seem to have been having a strange effect on me - making me more light headed yet I seem to be eating more. I'm a loser. I'll get it sorted and report back in a few days time.
Love love
xx

Early Rising

Blah, I woke up at 6.30am from an awful dream that I don't really want to discuss. In fact the sooner my mind deletes it, the better.
So here I am. It's now 7.35am - I've passed the time by browsing general pro-ed sites & checking up on the forums. Not much is happening, although I did get supportive comments from the girls when I showed them my before & after pictures - so thanks!
I also posted a thread on Kate Moss and her new term 'Rexy' (I'll post the same one here).
Too scared to weigh myself. Craig made me eat a sandwich last night.. boo.
I'm gonna go watch TV/do sit-ups until a more healthier hour!

cw: Dunno!!!

Kate Moss and her London clique have coined a new phrase to compliment their thin figures. According to reports, the supermodel and her best mate Sadie Frost are calling each other ‘rexy’ when discussing their figures. "Rexy is a word Kate and her friends have made up. It is a hybrid of the words anorexic and sexy." The source told the Mail:"It is used by Kate, Sadie Frost and other members of the A-list crowd to make a statement to each other that they are looking good." "It is not an insult it is a compliment."

Disgusting

Disgusting is what I am. Disgusting, weak, and fucking pathetic.
After 3 days of hard work I blow it all by eating 1,000 calories yesterday.
It doesn't matter what I ate now, that's not the point. It matters that I ate 1,000 calories.Anyway, I won't dwell on it because I've decided that to make up for my idiocy, I will eat 0 calories for the next two days followed with visits to the gym as well as home work-outs. Speaking of which, I booked my induction lesson at the woman's gym for wednesday morning... The girl told me all about it, it's a 30 minute hard core circut training where you go on one machine for 30 seconds & work it as hard and fast as you can, then the beep goes and you go onto the next machine for 30 seconds as hard and fast as you can, etc etc... I can't wait. I'm going to ask if each person is only allowed admittance 1 time a day or if you can go as many times as you like, that way (seen as it's only a 2min walk from my flat) I could go every morning then work-out at home and then go again in the evening then work-out at home. Also, there's the other complex gym that does ab-blast & combat classes which I might join.
Time to get fit, I'm serious about it.
Post later xx

weight yesterday: 108
cw: 109

First free day!

Omg! For the first time in months I have a Saturday day off work!
Pity that I'm working in the Bar tonight from 7pm onwards but oh well, it means I can spend all night running around and not have time to eat.
Yesterday I had nothing until 5pm where I ate a small bowl of veg, then at 10pm I had 1 wheetabix square with a bit of yoghurt on top, however it made me feel waaaay too full up and I felt like spewing.
I'm gonna go to Curves today and ask to join..
Shall update more later!

cw: 109lbs

xx

"Thin"

I love that book so much...(Thin by Grace Bowman) It's like someone sat inside my mind and put all my thoughts into a well-paced novel of sense!
The diet pills are still going amazing. I could have easily ate nothing today but I thought it better to at least put some vitamin content into my body (so it doesn't shut down and store all my fat!) so I had a small bowl of veg (green beans, sweetcorn, cauliflower, brocolli). Apart from that I've just been drinking lots of water all day.
Craig's working til 10pm so I've spoken to all my ana girls & visited my usual ana haunts, showered & moisturised... When he gets home we'll probably just watch a DVD, etc.
Not working tomorrow until 7pm so I might make a visit to this local womans-only gym & book an introductary lesson - I know the manager & she gave me a months free pass, how amazing! As soon as I cash my month free voucher I'm gonna go like.. everyday!

cw: 110lbs

xx

SLIMSLIM

OMIGOSH I'm so excited! I went into town and got my week supply of the Silver Slimming pills. I'm kinda angry that I bought them online when I could've easily bought them from a store 5mins away from my flat!
Oh well.
I've taken my first 2 capsules already, I'm nervous but strangely have no impulse to snack or binge or whatever (which I ALWAYS want to do). It may be just a placebo for my mind but I don't care.
Right now I feel like they truly work.
I'm gonna cut down my calories and start going to the gym now.. Roll on Size 00! xoxox

CW: 111lbs

Thin girls, you are beautiful...

"Big girls, you are beautiful" ..ahahaha! I hate that song.
Today I've had a small bowl of special K and skimmed milk, and a cup of coffee.
NO MORE!
I'm waiting on Craig coming out the shower then we're gonna go into town and price a vacation to France for next year.. YAY!
Feeling quite okay today, I'm desperate for my new diet pills to arrive.. went to check on them but they're still in transit. Thankfully the diet pill company replied to my email and told me that I could also buy them in "Sally's beauty" stores - there's one in town! I'm gonna go in when I'm on my own and see if I can buy a week course until my 4 week course arrives.
Eek, he's out the shower.. better go. I'll update later with weight, etc. xx

Psycho Appointment...

So I went to my Psychiatrist appointment. It was awful.
Not only did he laugh at things I said;
"What do you consider a binge?"
"2 Biscuits now a days..."
"HaAHaHaHa!!!"
He made me feel like I was a liar sometimes! I confessed everything, I told him everything and he made me feel as if I was lying for attention or something.
I didn't even want to go to him in the first place. I think that it took me a lot of courage to tell him everything in complete honesty. The last thing ana girls need is someone to laugh at them or smirk at their comments.
At he end he said "So do you have an illness?"I said "No." He replied, "Then why are you even here?".. I was like "Because my boyfriend asked me to come.." and he laughed again.
Moron.
To any ana girls reading this, do yourself a favour.. If you're gonna go into recovery make sure you've got a female psychiatrist!

Silver Slimming

Blah, today I have my Psychiatrist appointment... I really don't want to go but I promised Craig.
Speaking of, today is our 3rd anniversary.. woo. Nevermind, he's working and we also had a huge argument yesterday about how lazy he is. Hopefully things will be alright later on today though.

During the weekend I went to Glasgow to visit my friend, Kris. (his dad died, etc..) I ate SHIT LOADS;
Sunday
Mango Smoothie
Salt & Vinegar crisps (and I NEVER eat crisps)
Pasta
Chocolate trifle (LOADS)
Chips
3 pieces of Garlic bread

What the FUCK was that all about?!
So Monday;
2 Pieces of toast
Pasta
2 pieces of chesse on toast

I'd say the only good thing about this weekend was finding a FAB source of information.. My friend, Ainsley, had gained quite a lot of weight over the past few years and was looking for diet pills to help her lose most of it before her holiday... Ainsley had asked me a few months ago if I thought my Hoodia Gordonii pills were worth the purchase.. I told her they were crap! So when I spoke to her on Sunday she was like 'No worries! I got these new diet pills and I've actually lost 10lbs in just over a week!"
SILVER SLIMMING
I'm so happy! I'm going to go to the little shop next door and ask if I can have a package delivered to her store for me. That was I don't have to worry about Craig being in the flat when the package comes & then quizzing me on what it is!
I hope she lets me.. This is gonna help me get to 98lbs asap!!!