Almost Christmas...

Here I am, reporting for duty 21 days after my prev. post.
I'm glad to say I've lost weight again, although it has proven very difficult to break 'recovery' eating patterns and i've been prone to MANY binges!
I'm working on that...
My Previous weight was 116lbs, and my CW is 110lbs as checked this morning... which is pretty pathetic for a whole 21 days. At one point i dipped down to 109 then had a major binge fest and went back to 112!!!
I must say tho, I've been gradually learning again how to just walk away.

2 new ana text buds are on the scene; Emma who is quite quiet, she's 120lbs.. and Marie who is my ultimate supporting rock at 102lbs.. It's so amazing for when you wanna binge and need some encouragement against it.

I've got my apointment with the Dietician on Wednesday, booo... My GW for then is 107lbs, which makes my BMI 17.8, mwahaha... I hope i achieve it.

Fab new thinspo ana site: http://www.xanga.com/ana_directory
x

Disgusting

Well I disappeared for a while due to a new flat and no internet.
I thought having a bigger flat would make it easier to hide my ana from Craig but it's not.
Instead I went through a "recovery" period, and only today have I decided I've had enough.
I now weigh 8st 4lbs... 116lbs.. The heaviest I've been in a long time. It's revolting, and frankly I can hardly even bare to wake up.
I've had enough. Fuck therapy, fuck the dietician, fuck eating.
I've started my diet pills again, got out my weight book, and swore that I'm gonna at least be 7st 5lbs by Christmas.
I need to get back in touch with my ana girls and get a grip!!!
xox

A while..

Hmm.. been a week since I've posted and everything seems to have went literally tits up.
My fabulous progress of restricting had a turn for the worse when my mind went wacko and I felt like I was on 13 grams of speed a day, I couldn't think straight or properly understand what people were saying, couldn't sleep yet was constantly shattered, and always light-headed..boo.
I was eventually forced to get my eating regime back on track only to feel like the fattest mofo on the planet. Last time I checked I put ALL my weight back on.
Fucking raging.
I'm back on my diet pills again, they seem to have been having a strange effect on me - making me more light headed yet I seem to be eating more. I'm a loser. I'll get it sorted and report back in a few days time.
Love love
xx

Early Rising

Blah, I woke up at 6.30am from an awful dream that I don't really want to discuss. In fact the sooner my mind deletes it, the better.
So here I am. It's now 7.35am - I've passed the time by browsing general pro-ed sites & checking up on the forums. Not much is happening, although I did get supportive comments from the girls when I showed them my before & after pictures - so thanks!
I also posted a thread on Kate Moss and her new term 'Rexy' (I'll post the same one here).
Too scared to weigh myself. Craig made me eat a sandwich last night.. boo.
I'm gonna go watch TV/do sit-ups until a more healthier hour!

cw: Dunno!!!

Kate Moss and her London clique have coined a new phrase to compliment their thin figures. According to reports, the supermodel and her best mate Sadie Frost are calling each other ‘rexy’ when discussing their figures. "Rexy is a word Kate and her friends have made up. It is a hybrid of the words anorexic and sexy." The source told the Mail:"It is used by Kate, Sadie Frost and other members of the A-list crowd to make a statement to each other that they are looking good." "It is not an insult it is a compliment."

Disgusting

Disgusting is what I am. Disgusting, weak, and fucking pathetic.
After 3 days of hard work I blow it all by eating 1,000 calories yesterday.
It doesn't matter what I ate now, that's not the point. It matters that I ate 1,000 calories.Anyway, I won't dwell on it because I've decided that to make up for my idiocy, I will eat 0 calories for the next two days followed with visits to the gym as well as home work-outs. Speaking of which, I booked my induction lesson at the woman's gym for wednesday morning... The girl told me all about it, it's a 30 minute hard core circut training where you go on one machine for 30 seconds & work it as hard and fast as you can, then the beep goes and you go onto the next machine for 30 seconds as hard and fast as you can, etc etc... I can't wait. I'm going to ask if each person is only allowed admittance 1 time a day or if you can go as many times as you like, that way (seen as it's only a 2min walk from my flat) I could go every morning then work-out at home and then go again in the evening then work-out at home. Also, there's the other complex gym that does ab-blast & combat classes which I might join.
Time to get fit, I'm serious about it.
Post later xx

weight yesterday: 108
cw: 109

First free day!

Omg! For the first time in months I have a Saturday day off work!
Pity that I'm working in the Bar tonight from 7pm onwards but oh well, it means I can spend all night running around and not have time to eat.
Yesterday I had nothing until 5pm where I ate a small bowl of veg, then at 10pm I had 1 wheetabix square with a bit of yoghurt on top, however it made me feel waaaay too full up and I felt like spewing.
I'm gonna go to Curves today and ask to join..
Shall update more later!

cw: 109lbs

xx

"Thin"

I love that book so much...(Thin by Grace Bowman) It's like someone sat inside my mind and put all my thoughts into a well-paced novel of sense!
The diet pills are still going amazing. I could have easily ate nothing today but I thought it better to at least put some vitamin content into my body (so it doesn't shut down and store all my fat!) so I had a small bowl of veg (green beans, sweetcorn, cauliflower, brocolli). Apart from that I've just been drinking lots of water all day.
Craig's working til 10pm so I've spoken to all my ana girls & visited my usual ana haunts, showered & moisturised... When he gets home we'll probably just watch a DVD, etc.
Not working tomorrow until 7pm so I might make a visit to this local womans-only gym & book an introductary lesson - I know the manager & she gave me a months free pass, how amazing! As soon as I cash my month free voucher I'm gonna go like.. everyday!

cw: 110lbs

xx

SLIMSLIM

OMIGOSH I'm so excited! I went into town and got my week supply of the Silver Slimming pills. I'm kinda angry that I bought them online when I could've easily bought them from a store 5mins away from my flat!
Oh well.
I've taken my first 2 capsules already, I'm nervous but strangely have no impulse to snack or binge or whatever (which I ALWAYS want to do). It may be just a placebo for my mind but I don't care.
Right now I feel like they truly work.
I'm gonna cut down my calories and start going to the gym now.. Roll on Size 00! xoxox

CW: 111lbs

Thin girls, you are beautiful...

"Big girls, you are beautiful" ..ahahaha! I hate that song.
Today I've had a small bowl of special K and skimmed milk, and a cup of coffee.
NO MORE!
I'm waiting on Craig coming out the shower then we're gonna go into town and price a vacation to France for next year.. YAY!
Feeling quite okay today, I'm desperate for my new diet pills to arrive.. went to check on them but they're still in transit. Thankfully the diet pill company replied to my email and told me that I could also buy them in "Sally's beauty" stores - there's one in town! I'm gonna go in when I'm on my own and see if I can buy a week course until my 4 week course arrives.
Eek, he's out the shower.. better go. I'll update later with weight, etc. xx

Psycho Appointment...

So I went to my Psychiatrist appointment. It was awful.
Not only did he laugh at things I said;
"What do you consider a binge?"
"2 Biscuits now a days..."
"HaAHaHaHa!!!"
He made me feel like I was a liar sometimes! I confessed everything, I told him everything and he made me feel as if I was lying for attention or something.
I didn't even want to go to him in the first place. I think that it took me a lot of courage to tell him everything in complete honesty. The last thing ana girls need is someone to laugh at them or smirk at their comments.
At he end he said "So do you have an illness?"I said "No." He replied, "Then why are you even here?".. I was like "Because my boyfriend asked me to come.." and he laughed again.
Moron.
To any ana girls reading this, do yourself a favour.. If you're gonna go into recovery make sure you've got a female psychiatrist!

Silver Slimming

Blah, today I have my Psychiatrist appointment... I really don't want to go but I promised Craig.
Speaking of, today is our 3rd anniversary.. woo. Nevermind, he's working and we also had a huge argument yesterday about how lazy he is. Hopefully things will be alright later on today though.

During the weekend I went to Glasgow to visit my friend, Kris. (his dad died, etc..) I ate SHIT LOADS;
Sunday
Mango Smoothie
Salt & Vinegar crisps (and I NEVER eat crisps)
Pasta
Chocolate trifle (LOADS)
Chips
3 pieces of Garlic bread

What the FUCK was that all about?!
So Monday;
2 Pieces of toast
Pasta
2 pieces of chesse on toast

I'd say the only good thing about this weekend was finding a FAB source of information.. My friend, Ainsley, had gained quite a lot of weight over the past few years and was looking for diet pills to help her lose most of it before her holiday... Ainsley had asked me a few months ago if I thought my Hoodia Gordonii pills were worth the purchase.. I told her they were crap! So when I spoke to her on Sunday she was like 'No worries! I got these new diet pills and I've actually lost 10lbs in just over a week!"
SILVER SLIMMING
I'm so happy! I'm going to go to the little shop next door and ask if I can have a package delivered to her store for me. That was I don't have to worry about Craig being in the flat when the package comes & then quizzing me on what it is!
I hope she lets me.. This is gonna help me get to 98lbs asap!!!

Shack Up

Bah, I have a sore head..
This morning I had weird stomach cramps.. it was fooking sore.
I've eaten LOADS today. Mostly because I was at work and the staff all have lunch together.. plus, I felt like being 'healthy' to myself today.
So far I've eaten;
Half of an apple
2 Slices of bread with 3 thin slices of cold ham
1 piece of toast & butter

That's WAY over my limit. I'll have to make sure I don't eat for the rest of the day..
I'm too scared to weight myself so I might leave it til tomorrow morning before I go to work.

Tonightttt is my Boyfriends premiere DJ night "Shack Up" (the name was my idea) in the Bar I work at, he's playing retro disco tunes, etc..
I hope there's a good turnout because if not, his ego will sustain a severe thump!

Anyway, I'm off to watch tv & relax for a while.

xxx

The beginning...

I found a girls webblog through an ana webring. I used to keep blogs all the time when I was younger but soon lost interest.
Something about her blog appealed to me and made me remember how such blogs can be used to talk about worries, events, and associate with other beautiful girls sharing my obsession.

Weight.

I'm anamia... ana most of the time until those disgusting and frightning black-out binges attack me and leave me feeling like the most awful piece of worthless dirt in the world.

I'm 20 years old. I live with my 3 year partner, Craig. I love him so much. He knows.
I'm in my final degree year at University.

I'm 5'5" and weigh 110lbls.
My SGU (short term goal weight) is 105lbls
My LGW (longterm) is 98lbs
My UGW (ultimate) is 95lbs.

I think I've been anamia for 2-3 years now.. I used to be a UK size 12-14 (US 8-10) and am now a UK size 6 (US size 2).
Next Tuesday I've got an appointment with a psychiatrist about my eating disorder(s).
I don't want to go but I promised my boyfriend I would for at least one session, then decide wether it'll help me, although to be perfectly honest I'm not ready for recovery and I don't WANT to recover yet.
Not until I'm as light as air.

To the girls who may read this, let me know you exist and we'll get through it together.
xxx