Back...

I'm back for a bit.
Only to let you know that I've left the ana community temporarily to focus on life-stuff;

Moving to the city (having to find a flat within 2 weeks)
Getting a new job in the city
Finishing all Uni deadlines
Uni exams
Computer blowing up

Just so many things that causes so much stress, and ended up me ballooning up to 120lbs with no sign of budging..

So far, I've made it through everything with only a few breakdowns at my disgusting body.. but as a whole I've tried to ignore it and just keep pushing through everything else. There will be time at the end of all this to get down to brass tax and aim all my energy towards losing weight.
At the moment I've completed University, including all exams. I've found a lovely flat in the centre of Glasgow City for me and Craig, and we'll be moving in 8 days time. It's in such a BEAUTIFUL area called Merchant City (The Italian area)... so sexy and stylish at night!

I've also found a job in a gorgeous European Deli/Coffee house right next to the new flat.
The city flat is right beside Glasgow Green, which is a massive park where LOADS of people go exercising.. My plan is to buy a bike when I move and go cycling every day, running, etc etc..
Also the best thing about being in the City is that you always see someone thinner than you, so it pushes you even harder to lose more weight!

Anyhoo, better get ready for work..
I'll be back in the next couple of weeks, hopefully with some good news to tell you about my weight!
xoxox

Goals.

I've set goals for May through to June.

Height: 5'5"
CW: 120.04lbs (BMI: 20.0)

02.05.08: 115lbs (BMI: 19.1)
10.05.08: 110lbs (BMI:18.3) - Minimum Model Standard
16.05.08: 107lbs (BMI: 17.8)
25.05.08: 105lbs (BMI: 17.5) - Clinically anorexic
01.06.08: 104lbs (BMI: 17.3)
15.06.08: 103lbs (BMI: 17.1)
30.06.08: 101lbs (BMI: 16.8) - Almost Happy

Lowest

This is definitely one of the lowest times I've ever been through.
I just can't seem to shake off weight and I can't stop thinking about how fat I am/How much blubber is all around me.
All my closest/good ana buds are losing weight again and making good progress, and here I am sitting like the fat kid. I haven't weighed myself for a couple of days because I'm sick of having that constant reminder when the scales scream "GET OFF ME YOU FAT BITCH"
I ate 5/6ths of a pizza last night then purged most of it to come out the bathroom and craig's like "I've got some pastries waiting for us!"
..Today I had 2 criossants and 2 bagels, and an apple ALREADY.
I'm going out of my mind. I'm going insane. I'm fat, I'm fat, I'm so disgustingly fat.

Still a whale...

I fucking hate myself.
I'm so fat I can't believe it.

The only good thing that's happened was that I had 2 yoghurts and some low cal noodles at like 120cals, so I stayed under 500cals.
In the late evening I had the most SEVERE craving for a Domino's Pizza. Craig and I had offers "Buy a medium pizza and a starter, and get a medium pizza free" - I needed that pizza so much, needed the taste of the vegetables, cheese and bread in my mouth with the sweet dipping sauce.. *needed* to feel the completeness when I ate it.
...But then I began to imagine my after-feelings. Feelings of utter disgust, feeling of depression and hatred for my mind and body. A glare in the mirror, looking at some ugly, fat, rodent who was staring back with rolls of fat all around her body. Yellow pastey fat running underneath my skin, sticking to my bones, holding me back from true happiness and lightness.
I put the menu away.
I'm not weighing myself til AT LEAST next week because I just depress myself a little more each time I remember I'm not under 110lbs.

Before I finish, I have started reading a book on Buddhism, and how the original Buddha found his enlightenment. It talks about how he realised cravings were just fantasties of our material-based minds and he only gained true freedom by acknowledging that such things can be let go, allowing us to gain from the satisfaction of knowing we don't rely on impulses.
I think of it everytime I want to eat stupid things. I'm gonna train myself to start thinking about it everytime I want to eat full stop.

Speak soon,

Yours, Fat Girl.

x

fat

I AM A FAT FUCK

Reminiscent

Sometimes it's good to think back on the times you were thinner and remember how you got there, how good you felt, etc... It can be better thinsporation than any picture!

In my case, it was a little easier to remember... I just read back to my blog posts from last year!
I was so much stronger. I ate hardly anything and still considered it to be over my limit.. I was able to lose weight quite easily.

What's happened to me now? I don't know.
I think I'm gonna take a flick back everytime I feel weak and remind myself that if I done it before I can do it again!
xx

Stupid Alcohol..

Silly me...
Got so so very drunk on Friday night and spent the following 2 days recovering and eating. Boo.
I gained 2lbs.
Had a yoghurt this morning, but it's less cals than an apple, so I figure I've still got time to save the day - my allowance is 2 apples... I'm gonna take my diet pills at 10am, 2pm, 5pm and 6pm.. that should suffice.
I keep forgetting I've got the psychiatrist at the end of this month... I think Craig has forgot about it, which means I can call up and cancel, then say "oops! i forgot!" if he ever does remember, which he probably won't.

I'm thinking of buying Ephedra-5 from a site the girls gave me on PAM, but I'm worried. The last time I bought diet pills via internet the envelope arrived saying "Silver Slimming Diet Pills". I was lucky to have caught the mail before Craig woke up! I think I'll ask a guy-friend if I can forward them to his house... I just have to make sure that it *is* legal to buy them via internet and ship to the UK (ephedrine = illegal in UK)..

Anyway, on life goes...

Easy and Slow..

I've finally realised after years of attempt and failure that if I wanna lose weight and keep it off, I have to take things slowly.
I don't mean slowly like 0.5lbs every 2 weeks. I mean slowly as in 2lbs a week rather than my constant strive to lose 4lbs a week.

I lost my internet connection for a good while there, also Craig's laptop was broken... I suddenly found myself without my support group and began to think about crazy thoughts of recovery - which turns out was actually just a binge-breakdown.
I rocketed up to a revolting 119lbs but I won't start ranting about how disgusting I am because I've done it too many times.
I'm past it now. I need to keep my mind fixed on my goal!

I'm going to a Wedding on May 10th but I'll be in the cars, sitting at the front table, etc.. basically on view a lot! This is the dress I've bought for it:

I'm gonna have gold chunky bracelets on, gold heels (nice gold, not tacky gold!) and do my hair/make-up in a kinda Grecian-style...

The back of the dress exposes my back, and the style means I can't wear a bra... which means I need to lose serious weight to carry it off properly!

So far I've lost 3lbs, but I'm still huge, so I've started to purge my dinner .
It's easier to do that I thought it would be.. I just tell Craig I'm going for a shower and he usually goes into his Studio to work on some (loud) music which is double the help to block out any purging noises. (I'm beginning to remember how to purge silently, but it'll take time...)

I don't eat much during the day because I'm busy at Uni/work and I don't take money to buy food, so it's really only dangerous when I'm at home in the evening, thus the purge... just as long as I don't binge!
My aim is min. 2lbs per week, which means I *should* be 108lbs by the Wedding.. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll be even lighter.

The week after Craig is DJ'ing in a club in the city and his very thin sister will be there.. (she's a recovering mia) - so I'd like to be the thinner one rather than be the tubby one. After all, it's all about competitiveness isn't it? Striving to be the thinnest.

Sidenote: Craig's stupid ex (from like 5 years ago) is gonna "stop by" so it's extra fuel to ensure I'm as thin as possible!

..Wish me luck!

CW: Fat as fuck

GW1 Day!

Eeek!

I'm really nervous today because it's my GW1 day! I need to be 112lbs.. I've been well below 112lbs before, but I feel extra worried this time because I've let all the girls on PAM know about my weight progress.. if I don't weigh in at 112lbs I'll have let them all down!

Also last night I had a slip-up & ate bread and chocolate.. boo! I hope that hasn't fucked up my GW.
Instead, I'm taking my diet pills & sticking to water today. If I finish my Uni work early enough in the evening I'll go to the gym too...
Tomorrow starts GW2 where I need to be 108lbs by next Thursday! There's absolutely NO room for bingeing!

Wish me luck!
xoxox

Mind reprogram...

Em-il-y says:
lets re-program our minds here
Em-il-y says:
with what exists and what doesn't
Ema says:
ok
Em-il-y says:
right
Ema says:
BREAD AND CHOCOLATE can't exist
Em-il-y says:
i haven't even heard of them, i've got no idea what you're talkinga bout..!
Em-il-y says:
(get it.. )
Ema says:
hahahaha!!
Em-il-y says:
binging?? what the heck? is that jibberish?
Ema says:
so good! lol
Em-il-y says:
(seriously try it, it works really well)
Ema says:
My scales never go up... i always see a lower number!
Em-il-y says:
i didn't even know those numbers could go up...!!
Ema says:
my bones get more prominent every day!
Em-il-y says:
yeah! it's like how the sun rises every day!
Ema says:
these are totally going in my journal and in my purse so that everytime i feel weak (what's weakness?!) i can read them
Em-il-y says:
what's there to be weak about? this is just normal life here...
Ema says:
In a world where we're always the thinnest, we're so strong!
Em-il-y says:
how good is it!!! it's the best being so strong
Em-il-y says:
and the fact we don't have to push ourselves to stick to a diet plan... cos it's just second nature !
Ema says:
and everyone wants to be us. they admire how our bodies are like art! so light and delicate
Em-il-y says:
success is brillant
Ema says:
definitely, cause I mean.. look at what we used to weigh and look at us now. we're obviously doing something right.. why should we stop now! we're an example to others.
Em-il-y says:
exactly! and we have to uphold that!
Em-il-y says:
and really, that's no problem at all
Ema says:
exactly. it's what we do best.
Em-il-y says:

Em-il-y says:
so really, it'll be simple as for you to lose 16lbs before the start of next month
Ema says:
indeed. others have done it, and it's an easy test of my strength. just like you, you've came so far.. it's a complete doddle for you!
Em-il-y says:
exactly
Em-il-y says:
i mean, we know all there is to know about this kind of stuff
Ema says:
we're adept in this field. pro's.

Arg!

Arg.. After the weekend I gained (Craig and I went for Tapas).
I had a bad spot this morning and binged on like 5 doughnuts. Idiot@me.
Craig made me eat a tuna sandwich for dinner.
gaingaingain.
I'm already a fat fuck. I can't handle anymore weight gain!

Just a quickie!

Just thought I'd type a quick wee post while Craig's DJ'ing in his Music Studio and I'm alone with the laptop!

Today I've been feeling so strong about restricting. I had a bit of toast this morning, only cos Craig made me it.. then for dinner I had a 50cal weight watchers yoghurt, and while Craig was in his studio I made soup, put it in a bowl, and poured it down the sink, leaving the bowl and pot unwashed so he thinks I ate.. I also threw out a couple of pieces of bread for extra effect too!

I hope I lose at least 1lb by tomorrow!

x

A new start.. again

Thankfully I've overcome my binge cycle. I hate those!
But unfortunately I gained sooo much weight. I ballooned up to 117lbs, which is the highest I've been in ages! I cried so much, but strangely it had an effect on me that made me so determined not to stop until I get to my UGW this time.

I joined a few girls on PAM to swear that I'll lose as much weight as possible by April 4th! I'm aiming for 100lbs, but I don't know how successful I'll be...

I'll keep up to date!

ps. lost 2.6lbs since yesterday so I'm now 115.2lbs
x

dfjdfhdfkhg

Doing shit.
Can't stop bingeing.
That's all.

Annoyed!

I had nothing but an apple yesterday, then made the stupid mistake of agreeing to go to a coffee house/restaurant place with Craig after I finished work.
I had one coffee, and stayed strong (i.e didn't eat anything) even though he had dinner there! But it did highlight to him the fact that I hadn't ate.. He made me eat dinner, then sit in the living room and watch a movie with him after so I couldn't purge.
I'm so irritated. I bet I'm up at 112lbs now.. And worst of all, tonight is my best friend's 22nd birthday & we're going to a Tapas restaurant.. a meal I most certainly can't get out of!

I'm off to the gym now to work my ass for for 2 hours.

xox

On my way!

So the night after my previous post (Actually it might have been the night of) I weighed myself in a 118lbs.. Can you fucking believe it?!?!?!!!
Okay, so I was on my period and I understand that some was period weight; but 118lbs?!?!?!!!! I went in a shower and cried for about 2 hours; looked like a Prune when I got out! haha.

After that, it surely kicked my uber fat ass into shape. I've been restricting to under 300cals per day, sometimes under 200cals. I went to the gym for an hour & a half yesterday, and two hours today.
Being back at Uni also helps because I'm constantly on the go & never take money with me to buy food.
Back to my point; after my blubber-kick I'm back down to 111lbs in just 5 days, so most of it was probably period weight. Never the less, I've started to mentally hypnotise myself into thinking that anything above 100lbs is morbidly obese rather than my previous 'slacker' way of thinking;
"100lbs is a beautiful weight. I'd love to get there soon.."

I'll report back soon on my progress...

Ps. Hurray to Paper Bag & her crocheting! :)


xox

Placebo

Fuckety fuck fuck.. How come when you're doing good on restricting, the "ill/can't breathe" placebo takes over your mind and convinces you to eat something or you'll die? Like I'd really die from skipping one meal. I'm such a fucking idiot.

Yesterday was going great; I had some raspberries & a banana for breakfast, diet pills and water all day... then at dinner time in the house I ate two small bread rolls but then purged them back up. I went to bed early cause I was feeling so tired but couldn't sleep cause I felt like I couldn't breathe properly. After lying there for an hour I got worried then got up and ended up eating 2 slices of bread with banana, and a slice of toast.

I don't even deserve to lose weight...

Head start.

Wake up.
DIET PILL & WATAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
Blink.
DIET PILL & WATAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Gotta love those silverslimmings...

Also backtracked on the PAM forum for interesting posts discussed while i was "recovering"...
Tomorrow when I get paid I'm gonna try Sudafed 24-hour as it apparently is a fabulous appetite supressant.
Plus, who cares if I get addicted.. I'm already a fan of class-A's.
x

Intimidation?

Does anyone else get really fucked off when your friends start to comment on how much another friend has lost weight?
All my pals are gay guys, and I'm the only main female AKA "The alpha female" in the group.
There's also 'inside' jokes about my lack of weight/bulimia/anorexia, etc.. They call me "Thumbulimia" because I'm so small and obv make myself sick when I need to to lose weight.
Anyway, that's fine. That's the jokes. I don't mind them.. it's what we do!

So lately this new girl, Cheryl, has came on the scene and started to hang out with us.. She lives closer to the gays than I do, so she naturally sees them more often/parties with them more often.
I feel soooo intimidated, jealous, and almost scared in a way because the boys have started to comment on nights when they're out partying and how fabulous Cheryl looks and how much weight she's lost!

I'll note that I've met Cheryl and she's absolutely lovely, pretty too. She's probably about a UK 12, but since she's started losing weight she's probably nearer a UK 10. I'm still in a safe zone because I'm a UK 6 but I don't look it.. and I've gained sooo much carb weight.
My body has become addicted to the carbs & I'm finding it so hard to restrict right now... especially the fact that Craig & I have had literally NO food in the house apart from bread because we're so poor! (i get paid on thurs, don't worry.. haha).

Back to the subject... okay, we recreationally take drugs. Yeh yeh 'lecture lecture'... whatever. So Cheryl is on a speed diet which is the reason why she's losing so much weight.. there's no plans of her stopping this diet in the near future. This means that her weight will plummet and she'll become skinny & i'll look like the fat one.

If there was ever a reason to lose weight more than this, please let me know. I can't be the fattest in the pictures.. I can't be the fat girl everyone feels sympathy for.

No.... :(

Almost Lost..

Right..
I thought it was time I wrote a small post to let everyone know that I haven't disappeared again, but I haven't been doing well.
My scales have been taken away from me for a while now, so I have no idea what I weigh and I've been going out of my mind!
I've deffo gained weight, but I don't know how much..
Blah, it's so shit.

I'll be back soon. x

Hard weather

Gawd.. I can't stop sneezing and my head feels blocked. I had a great lie in, though... don't start work til 2pm today.
Yesterday the funeral was okay... Actually, the service was lovely. There were tears, but there were also laughs. Iain's Wake was in the Hilton Hotel in the West End of Glasgow and it was probably one of the best Wakes that I've been to.
After that, I had to begin my long journey home as the trains were being cancelled left right and centre. I managed to only have to change over trains once but as soon as I got off the train in my home town there was hail, rain, and wind like a hurricaine - Horrible! Needless to say that's why I'm sneezing.

Blah.
I'm starting a new little project; crocheting a blanket, for many reasons:
1. It will keep me occupied and hypnotised in times where I'm most prone to bingeing.
2. It's a blanket and will keep me warm!
3. It'll look pretty.

*Before I go, I'm noting that on the right hand side info panel I've began to update my weight more... I'm also going to put in a section to have my BMI on show because, as we all know, weight means nothing unless you take your height into account. (NB: I'm 5'5")

cw: unknown yet

Eating Plan...

Before I begin, the following eating plan has been made solely for myself. I take no responsibility for any one who decides to follow it and any consequences that may result from it.
I have not included water in this eating plan as it has 0 calories and I drink it regularly throughout the day.. anyone who follows this plan should make sure they drink lots of water!
Exercising is an option too...
I also take 2 vitamin C, and 2 multivitamin + iron tablets every morning.
Feel free to move eating times to times more acceptable to your life, my eating times vary each day however you should always make sure you keep to the general eating times of breakfast, lunch, and dinner... that way the immediate people in your life can see you eat!

Sunday
10.30am: 100ml orange juice (41 cals), half of a typical 100g banana (47 cals)
3.30pm: 3 slices of (tesco eat light) melba toast (39 cals) and half a can of drained tuna (65 cals
6.00pm: One can of weight watchers soup (86 cals)
Allowances: 2 x coffee with 0 calorie sweeteners and 50ml skimmed milk (approx 25 cals per coffee)
Snack: One kiwi (49 cals)
TOTAL EXCLUDING ALLOWANCES AND SNACKS: 278cals

Monday
10.30am: 100ml orange juice (41 cals), one kiwi fruit (49cals)
3.30pm: 3 slices of (tesco eat light) melba toast (39 cals), 100g small silverskin pickled onions (10 cals) and half a can of drained tuna (65 cals)
6.00pm: one slim a soup (diet cuppa soup sachet packets, 56 cals)
Allowances: 2 x coffee with 0 calorie sweeteners and 50ml skimmed milk
Snack: One low calorie yoghurt (between 50-70 cals)
TOTAL EXCLUDING ALLOWANCES AND SNACKS: 278cals

Tuesday
9.30am: 100ml apple juice (47 cals), one kiwi (49 cals)
1.00pm: One small apple (61 cals)
6.00pm: One Slim a soup (58 cals)
Allowances: 2 x coffee with 0 calorie sweeteners and 50ml skimmed milk
Snack: One low calorie yoghurt (between 50-70 cals)
TOTAL EXCLUDING ALLOWANCES AND SNACKS: 215cals

Wednesday
10.30am: One coffee (25 cals)
12.30pm: One small orange (57 cals)
6.00pm: One can of weight watchers soup (86 cals)
Allowances: 2 x coffee with 0 calorie sweeteners and 50ml skimmed milk
Snack: One low calorie yoghurt (between 50-70 cals)
TOTAL EXCLUDING ALLOWANCES AND SNACKS: 168cals

Thursday
10.30am: 100ml Orange juice (41 cals)
12.30pm: One kiwi (49 cals)
6.30pm: 55g Cous Cous (81 cals)
Allowances: 2 x coffee with 0 calorie sweeteners and 50ml skimmed milk
Snack: Banana (95 cals)
TOTAL EXCLUDING ALLOWANCES AND SNACKS: 171cals

Friday
10.30am: Half a banana (47 cals)
12.30pm: 3 Slices of Melba toast (39 cals) and half can of tuna (65 cals)
6.30pm: Slim a soup (58 cals)
Allowances: 2 x coffee with 0 calorie sweeteners and 50ml skimmed milk
Snack: Low fat yoghurt (between 50-70 cals)
TOTAL EXCLUDING ALLOWANCES AND SNACKS: 209cals

Saturday
11am: 100ml Orange juice (41 cals), One kiwi (47 cals)
3.30pm: Slim a soup (58 cals)
6.30pm: 55g Cous Cous (81 cals)
Allowances: 2 x coffee with 0 calorie sweeteners and 50ml skimmed milk
Snack: Banana (95 cals)
TOTAL EXCLUDING ALLOWANCES AND SNACKS: 227cals

Remember.. Calories may vary (not by much tho).. always check the labels!

Hm.

Well I reached my 111lbs goal, so I'm happy about that. What I'm not so happy about is my friends funeral tomorrow.. I can't believe he's gone. And in the most random, unpredictable way (he fell over his flat balcony and was found in the courtyard in the morning).. How can that happen? Things like that don't happen to your friends.. they just don't.
Anyway, I'm getting too upset; I don't have the energy for it.

Back to weight talk..
I wrote myself an eating plan for this week, I have it stuck to my fridge.. I even showed Craig it and he's fine with it which, needless to say, is surprising because each day totals me to be eating under 300 calories, some days even under 150 calories.
I told him the dietician said that my main concern is eating at proper times during the day and THEN concentraing on increasing the amount i eat.

He believed it.

For all those girls who are restricting under 300 calories per day and just doing it in their heads I recommend writing an eating plan; if you stick to it ridgedly (and i mean like the bible! NB: i'm not religious) then the risk of bingeing is zero-to-none and you don't feel hungry because you're eating 3 times a day!
I'll post my eating plan up here for everyone who might like to give it a try... Pls email me if you have any feedback or suggestions to vary the foods!
xx

Balloon

FUCK.. In the strongest emphasis.
To say the least, over Christmas the shit hit the fan.
I was doing great leading up to the dietician appointment.. she talked for hours about how bad ana was for me, etc etc.. blah blah.
It just made me more inclined to reach 100lbs or less for our next meeting.
Then my friend... my very dear friend, Iain, died.
I've ate.. and ate... and I weighed myself this morning; I'm 114lbs.
F. U. C. K.
I'm gonna be 111lbs by Monday.
Just watch...