I fucking hate myself.
I'm so fat I can't believe it.
The only good thing that's happened was that I had 2 yoghurts and some low cal noodles at like 120cals, so I stayed under 500cals.
In the late evening I had the most SEVERE craving for a Domino's Pizza. Craig and I had offers "Buy a medium pizza and a starter, and get a medium pizza free" - I needed that pizza so much, needed the taste of the vegetables, cheese and bread in my mouth with the sweet dipping sauce.. *needed* to feel the completeness when I ate it.
...But then I began to imagine my after-feelings. Feelings of utter disgust, feeling of depression and hatred for my mind and body. A glare in the mirror, looking at some ugly, fat, rodent who was staring back with rolls of fat all around her body. Yellow pastey fat running underneath my skin, sticking to my bones, holding me back from true happiness and lightness.
I put the menu away.
I'm not weighing myself til AT LEAST next week because I just depress myself a little more each time I remember I'm not under 110lbs.
Before I finish, I have started reading a book on Buddhism, and how the original Buddha found his enlightenment. It talks about how he realised cravings were just fantasties of our material-based minds and he only gained true freedom by acknowledging that such things can be let go, allowing us to gain from the satisfaction of knowing we don't rely on impulses.
I think of it everytime I want to eat stupid things. I'm gonna train myself to start thinking about it everytime I want to eat full stop.
Speak soon,
Yours, Fat Girl.
x
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1 comment:
Hi there!
Don't be so rude with yourself.. Well, actually I'm not in the position to tell you this because I call myself fat cow all the time.
You asked about the apples diet: I eat three to four during the day. Actually I drink a large cup of coffee for breakfast (with low fat milk, 0,1% fat), have an apple for lunch, one in the afternoon and one or two in the evening. I cut them in very tiny pieces so that you can chew a while on them. And I drink about ten cups of tea during the day, mostly herbal ones, such as nettle tea. And Rooibos. I use flavoured Rooibos (strawberry or vanilla) add a little low fat milk and artificial sweeteners, so that it is some kind of chocolate substitue. Works very well.
The apples (preferable the red ones, they have more fiber) "grow" in your stomach so that you get filled up easily and you're not even hungry!
It works great and is so far the best method to lose weight for me. Try it out!
L.
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