Back...

I'm back for a bit.
Only to let you know that I've left the ana community temporarily to focus on life-stuff;

Moving to the city (having to find a flat within 2 weeks)
Getting a new job in the city
Finishing all Uni deadlines
Uni exams
Computer blowing up

Just so many things that causes so much stress, and ended up me ballooning up to 120lbs with no sign of budging..

So far, I've made it through everything with only a few breakdowns at my disgusting body.. but as a whole I've tried to ignore it and just keep pushing through everything else. There will be time at the end of all this to get down to brass tax and aim all my energy towards losing weight.
At the moment I've completed University, including all exams. I've found a lovely flat in the centre of Glasgow City for me and Craig, and we'll be moving in 8 days time. It's in such a BEAUTIFUL area called Merchant City (The Italian area)... so sexy and stylish at night!

I've also found a job in a gorgeous European Deli/Coffee house right next to the new flat.
The city flat is right beside Glasgow Green, which is a massive park where LOADS of people go exercising.. My plan is to buy a bike when I move and go cycling every day, running, etc etc..
Also the best thing about being in the City is that you always see someone thinner than you, so it pushes you even harder to lose more weight!

Anyhoo, better get ready for work..
I'll be back in the next couple of weeks, hopefully with some good news to tell you about my weight!
xoxox

Goals.

I've set goals for May through to June.

Height: 5'5"
CW: 120.04lbs (BMI: 20.0)

02.05.08: 115lbs (BMI: 19.1)
10.05.08: 110lbs (BMI:18.3) - Minimum Model Standard
16.05.08: 107lbs (BMI: 17.8)
25.05.08: 105lbs (BMI: 17.5) - Clinically anorexic
01.06.08: 104lbs (BMI: 17.3)
15.06.08: 103lbs (BMI: 17.1)
30.06.08: 101lbs (BMI: 16.8) - Almost Happy

Lowest

This is definitely one of the lowest times I've ever been through.
I just can't seem to shake off weight and I can't stop thinking about how fat I am/How much blubber is all around me.
All my closest/good ana buds are losing weight again and making good progress, and here I am sitting like the fat kid. I haven't weighed myself for a couple of days because I'm sick of having that constant reminder when the scales scream "GET OFF ME YOU FAT BITCH"
I ate 5/6ths of a pizza last night then purged most of it to come out the bathroom and craig's like "I've got some pastries waiting for us!"
..Today I had 2 criossants and 2 bagels, and an apple ALREADY.
I'm going out of my mind. I'm going insane. I'm fat, I'm fat, I'm so disgustingly fat.

Still a whale...

I fucking hate myself.
I'm so fat I can't believe it.

The only good thing that's happened was that I had 2 yoghurts and some low cal noodles at like 120cals, so I stayed under 500cals.
In the late evening I had the most SEVERE craving for a Domino's Pizza. Craig and I had offers "Buy a medium pizza and a starter, and get a medium pizza free" - I needed that pizza so much, needed the taste of the vegetables, cheese and bread in my mouth with the sweet dipping sauce.. *needed* to feel the completeness when I ate it.
...But then I began to imagine my after-feelings. Feelings of utter disgust, feeling of depression and hatred for my mind and body. A glare in the mirror, looking at some ugly, fat, rodent who was staring back with rolls of fat all around her body. Yellow pastey fat running underneath my skin, sticking to my bones, holding me back from true happiness and lightness.
I put the menu away.
I'm not weighing myself til AT LEAST next week because I just depress myself a little more each time I remember I'm not under 110lbs.

Before I finish, I have started reading a book on Buddhism, and how the original Buddha found his enlightenment. It talks about how he realised cravings were just fantasties of our material-based minds and he only gained true freedom by acknowledging that such things can be let go, allowing us to gain from the satisfaction of knowing we don't rely on impulses.
I think of it everytime I want to eat stupid things. I'm gonna train myself to start thinking about it everytime I want to eat full stop.

Speak soon,

Yours, Fat Girl.

x

fat

I AM A FAT FUCK

Reminiscent

Sometimes it's good to think back on the times you were thinner and remember how you got there, how good you felt, etc... It can be better thinsporation than any picture!

In my case, it was a little easier to remember... I just read back to my blog posts from last year!
I was so much stronger. I ate hardly anything and still considered it to be over my limit.. I was able to lose weight quite easily.

What's happened to me now? I don't know.
I think I'm gonna take a flick back everytime I feel weak and remind myself that if I done it before I can do it again!
xx

Stupid Alcohol..

Silly me...
Got so so very drunk on Friday night and spent the following 2 days recovering and eating. Boo.
I gained 2lbs.
Had a yoghurt this morning, but it's less cals than an apple, so I figure I've still got time to save the day - my allowance is 2 apples... I'm gonna take my diet pills at 10am, 2pm, 5pm and 6pm.. that should suffice.
I keep forgetting I've got the psychiatrist at the end of this month... I think Craig has forgot about it, which means I can call up and cancel, then say "oops! i forgot!" if he ever does remember, which he probably won't.

I'm thinking of buying Ephedra-5 from a site the girls gave me on PAM, but I'm worried. The last time I bought diet pills via internet the envelope arrived saying "Silver Slimming Diet Pills". I was lucky to have caught the mail before Craig woke up! I think I'll ask a guy-friend if I can forward them to his house... I just have to make sure that it *is* legal to buy them via internet and ship to the UK (ephedrine = illegal in UK)..

Anyway, on life goes...