I've set goals for May through to June.
Height: 5'5"
CW: 120.04lbs (BMI: 20.0)
02.05.08: 115lbs (BMI: 19.1)
10.05.08: 110lbs (BMI:18.3) - Minimum Model Standard
16.05.08: 107lbs (BMI: 17.8)
25.05.08: 105lbs (BMI: 17.5) - Clinically anorexic
01.06.08: 104lbs (BMI: 17.3)
15.06.08: 103lbs (BMI: 17.1)
30.06.08: 101lbs (BMI: 16.8) - Almost Happy
Thursday 24 April 2008
Wednesday 23 April 2008
Lowest
This is definitely one of the lowest times I've ever been through.
I just can't seem to shake off weight and I can't stop thinking about how fat I am/How much blubber is all around me.
All my closest/good ana buds are losing weight again and making good progress, and here I am sitting like the fat kid. I haven't weighed myself for a couple of days because I'm sick of having that constant reminder when the scales scream "GET OFF ME YOU FAT BITCH"
I ate 5/6ths of a pizza last night then purged most of it to come out the bathroom and craig's like "I've got some pastries waiting for us!"
..Today I had 2 criossants and 2 bagels, and an apple ALREADY.
I'm going out of my mind. I'm going insane. I'm fat, I'm fat, I'm so disgustingly fat.
I just can't seem to shake off weight and I can't stop thinking about how fat I am/How much blubber is all around me.
All my closest/good ana buds are losing weight again and making good progress, and here I am sitting like the fat kid. I haven't weighed myself for a couple of days because I'm sick of having that constant reminder when the scales scream "GET OFF ME YOU FAT BITCH"
I ate 5/6ths of a pizza last night then purged most of it to come out the bathroom and craig's like "I've got some pastries waiting for us!"
..Today I had 2 criossants and 2 bagels, and an apple ALREADY.
I'm going out of my mind. I'm going insane. I'm fat, I'm fat, I'm so disgustingly fat.
Tuesday 22 April 2008
Still a whale...
I fucking hate myself.
I'm so fat I can't believe it.
The only good thing that's happened was that I had 2 yoghurts and some low cal noodles at like 120cals, so I stayed under 500cals.
In the late evening I had the most SEVERE craving for a Domino's Pizza. Craig and I had offers "Buy a medium pizza and a starter, and get a medium pizza free" - I needed that pizza so much, needed the taste of the vegetables, cheese and bread in my mouth with the sweet dipping sauce.. *needed* to feel the completeness when I ate it.
...But then I began to imagine my after-feelings. Feelings of utter disgust, feeling of depression and hatred for my mind and body. A glare in the mirror, looking at some ugly, fat, rodent who was staring back with rolls of fat all around her body. Yellow pastey fat running underneath my skin, sticking to my bones, holding me back from true happiness and lightness.
I put the menu away.
I'm not weighing myself til AT LEAST next week because I just depress myself a little more each time I remember I'm not under 110lbs.
Before I finish, I have started reading a book on Buddhism, and how the original Buddha found his enlightenment. It talks about how he realised cravings were just fantasties of our material-based minds and he only gained true freedom by acknowledging that such things can be let go, allowing us to gain from the satisfaction of knowing we don't rely on impulses.
I think of it everytime I want to eat stupid things. I'm gonna train myself to start thinking about it everytime I want to eat full stop.
Speak soon,
Yours, Fat Girl.
x
I'm so fat I can't believe it.
The only good thing that's happened was that I had 2 yoghurts and some low cal noodles at like 120cals, so I stayed under 500cals.
In the late evening I had the most SEVERE craving for a Domino's Pizza. Craig and I had offers "Buy a medium pizza and a starter, and get a medium pizza free" - I needed that pizza so much, needed the taste of the vegetables, cheese and bread in my mouth with the sweet dipping sauce.. *needed* to feel the completeness when I ate it.
...But then I began to imagine my after-feelings. Feelings of utter disgust, feeling of depression and hatred for my mind and body. A glare in the mirror, looking at some ugly, fat, rodent who was staring back with rolls of fat all around her body. Yellow pastey fat running underneath my skin, sticking to my bones, holding me back from true happiness and lightness.
I put the menu away.
I'm not weighing myself til AT LEAST next week because I just depress myself a little more each time I remember I'm not under 110lbs.
Before I finish, I have started reading a book on Buddhism, and how the original Buddha found his enlightenment. It talks about how he realised cravings were just fantasties of our material-based minds and he only gained true freedom by acknowledging that such things can be let go, allowing us to gain from the satisfaction of knowing we don't rely on impulses.
I think of it everytime I want to eat stupid things. I'm gonna train myself to start thinking about it everytime I want to eat full stop.
Speak soon,
Yours, Fat Girl.
x
Thursday 17 April 2008
Tuesday 15 April 2008
Reminiscent
Sometimes it's good to think back on the times you were thinner and remember how you got there, how good you felt, etc... It can be better thinsporation than any picture!
In my case, it was a little easier to remember... I just read back to my blog posts from last year!
I was so much stronger. I ate hardly anything and still considered it to be over my limit.. I was able to lose weight quite easily.
What's happened to me now? I don't know.
I think I'm gonna take a flick back everytime I feel weak and remind myself that if I done it before I can do it again!
xx
In my case, it was a little easier to remember... I just read back to my blog posts from last year!
I was so much stronger. I ate hardly anything and still considered it to be over my limit.. I was able to lose weight quite easily.
What's happened to me now? I don't know.
I think I'm gonna take a flick back everytime I feel weak and remind myself that if I done it before I can do it again!
xx
Monday 14 April 2008
Stupid Alcohol..
Silly me...
Got so so very drunk on Friday night and spent the following 2 days recovering and eating. Boo.
I gained 2lbs.
Had a yoghurt this morning, but it's less cals than an apple, so I figure I've still got time to save the day - my allowance is 2 apples... I'm gonna take my diet pills at 10am, 2pm, 5pm and 6pm.. that should suffice.
I keep forgetting I've got the psychiatrist at the end of this month... I think Craig has forgot about it, which means I can call up and cancel, then say "oops! i forgot!" if he ever does remember, which he probably won't.
I'm thinking of buying Ephedra-5 from a site the girls gave me on PAM, but I'm worried. The last time I bought diet pills via internet the envelope arrived saying "Silver Slimming Diet Pills". I was lucky to have caught the mail before Craig woke up! I think I'll ask a guy-friend if I can forward them to his house... I just have to make sure that it *is* legal to buy them via internet and ship to the UK (ephedrine = illegal in UK)..
Anyway, on life goes...
Got so so very drunk on Friday night and spent the following 2 days recovering and eating. Boo.
I gained 2lbs.
Had a yoghurt this morning, but it's less cals than an apple, so I figure I've still got time to save the day - my allowance is 2 apples... I'm gonna take my diet pills at 10am, 2pm, 5pm and 6pm.. that should suffice.
I keep forgetting I've got the psychiatrist at the end of this month... I think Craig has forgot about it, which means I can call up and cancel, then say "oops! i forgot!" if he ever does remember, which he probably won't.
I'm thinking of buying Ephedra-5 from a site the girls gave me on PAM, but I'm worried. The last time I bought diet pills via internet the envelope arrived saying "Silver Slimming Diet Pills". I was lucky to have caught the mail before Craig woke up! I think I'll ask a guy-friend if I can forward them to his house... I just have to make sure that it *is* legal to buy them via internet and ship to the UK (ephedrine = illegal in UK)..
Anyway, on life goes...
Friday 11 April 2008
Easy and Slow..
I've finally realised after years of attempt and failure that if I wanna lose weight and keep it off, I have to take things slowly.
I don't mean slowly like 0.5lbs every 2 weeks. I mean slowly as in 2lbs a week rather than my constant strive to lose 4lbs a week.
I lost my internet connection for a good while there, also Craig's laptop was broken... I suddenly found myself without my support group and began to think about crazy thoughts of recovery - which turns out was actually just a binge-breakdown.
I rocketed up to a revolting 119lbs but I won't start ranting about how disgusting I am because I've done it too many times.
I'm past it now. I need to keep my mind fixed on my goal!
I'm going to a Wedding on May 10th but I'll be in the cars, sitting at the front table, etc.. basically on view a lot! This is the dress I've bought for it:
I'm gonna have gold chunky bracelets on, gold heels (nice gold, not tacky gold!) and do my hair/make-up in a kinda Grecian-style...
The back of the dress exposes my back, and the style means I can't wear a bra... which means I need to lose serious weight to carry it off properly!
So far I've lost 3lbs, but I'm still huge, so I've started to purge my dinner .
It's easier to do that I thought it would be.. I just tell Craig I'm going for a shower and he usually goes into his Studio to work on some (loud) music which is double the help to block out any purging noises. (I'm beginning to remember how to purge silently, but it'll take time...)
I don't eat much during the day because I'm busy at Uni/work and I don't take money to buy food, so it's really only dangerous when I'm at home in the evening, thus the purge... just as long as I don't binge!
My aim is min. 2lbs per week, which means I *should* be 108lbs by the Wedding.. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll be even lighter.
The week after Craig is DJ'ing in a club in the city and his very thin sister will be there.. (she's a recovering mia) - so I'd like to be the thinner one rather than be the tubby one. After all, it's all about competitiveness isn't it? Striving to be the thinnest.
Sidenote: Craig's stupid ex (from like 5 years ago) is gonna "stop by" so it's extra fuel to ensure I'm as thin as possible!
..Wish me luck!
CW: Fat as fuck
I don't mean slowly like 0.5lbs every 2 weeks. I mean slowly as in 2lbs a week rather than my constant strive to lose 4lbs a week.
I lost my internet connection for a good while there, also Craig's laptop was broken... I suddenly found myself without my support group and began to think about crazy thoughts of recovery - which turns out was actually just a binge-breakdown.
I rocketed up to a revolting 119lbs but I won't start ranting about how disgusting I am because I've done it too many times.
I'm past it now. I need to keep my mind fixed on my goal!
I'm going to a Wedding on May 10th but I'll be in the cars, sitting at the front table, etc.. basically on view a lot! This is the dress I've bought for it:
I'm gonna have gold chunky bracelets on, gold heels (nice gold, not tacky gold!) and do my hair/make-up in a kinda Grecian-style...
The back of the dress exposes my back, and the style means I can't wear a bra... which means I need to lose serious weight to carry it off properly!
So far I've lost 3lbs, but I'm still huge, so I've started to purge my dinner .
It's easier to do that I thought it would be.. I just tell Craig I'm going for a shower and he usually goes into his Studio to work on some (loud) music which is double the help to block out any purging noises. (I'm beginning to remember how to purge silently, but it'll take time...)
I don't eat much during the day because I'm busy at Uni/work and I don't take money to buy food, so it's really only dangerous when I'm at home in the evening, thus the purge... just as long as I don't binge!
My aim is min. 2lbs per week, which means I *should* be 108lbs by the Wedding.. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll be even lighter.
The week after Craig is DJ'ing in a club in the city and his very thin sister will be there.. (she's a recovering mia) - so I'd like to be the thinner one rather than be the tubby one. After all, it's all about competitiveness isn't it? Striving to be the thinnest.
Sidenote: Craig's stupid ex (from like 5 years ago) is gonna "stop by" so it's extra fuel to ensure I'm as thin as possible!
..Wish me luck!
CW: Fat as fuck
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